Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
