i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
