my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
