Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
