why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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