We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
