Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
