I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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