Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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