whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
