After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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