Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
