the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A bitchslap is in order.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
