Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
