We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
