So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
