I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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