I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
