I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
ok first of all what the fuck
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize