Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
