Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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