He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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