hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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