So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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