don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
