the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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