Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
