Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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