Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
