does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
