I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
