Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
