shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
