I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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