were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
