Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize