A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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