I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
