What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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