bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
