I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
