We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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