when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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