Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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