I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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