Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Who died my cat blue again?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
