In the future we'll all be gay
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize