ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
