I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
