It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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