I understand Curling. That high.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
