I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
