Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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