my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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