Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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