I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
