I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
