They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
