She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
