this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
