Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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